The InBewteen Times: Dealing with Bipolar Disorder
Struggling with bipolar disorder, anxiety, and depression all together at the same time is not cute. And dealing with obesity at the same time even worst. Things have not been easy for me. Its a constant pressure in your life that does not seem to go away. Its pressure from your peers, your family, your friends, yourself. Living with these is horrible and not a pretty sight. I have struggled with self-image problems since I was a little girl, and have gone to all kinds of doctors to see if they could help me lose weight or help me with my anxieties.
This year I got diagnosed with depression and bipolar disorder. I have more than 2 manic episodes a year along with an ongoing bout of depression that makes me want to stay home all day, quit my perfectly fine job, and stop eating or in some cases eating everything I see. Being in a life of inbetweens is not pretty and I won’t sugar coat it. It is ugly, your mind becomes a Black hole that keeps us sucking everything good out of your life. I like to call that black hole, Satan.
Because it is Satan that makes your life a living hell. Satan wants to take everything from you and he uses those of a weak mind to perpetuate himself in the world. However, that is when God comes into the plan. God looks out for us at any occasion. God can make things happen or let them happen for reasons that are not up to us to know, but for our father in heaven to decide. Having bipolar disorder, depression, and extreme anxiety will make me stronger. I will not allow for these things to control my life. Only God has control over my life. I will continue to work hard to control my disorders, and I will continue to go to God to stop the black hole that is Satan. My main black hole is my obesity.
Dealing with obesity has been a struggle of mine since I was a young girl. Always the chubbiest, always the nerdy big girl that wanted to belong. While I carry my weight extremely well, being obese is not something I want. I wish I could be in a healthy weight where no one would ask me what diet I was on, or when I was going to the gym or why I was eating the ice cream bar. Being told you are fat in the middle of the street in London while walking from a Bible discussion is not pretty.
Living in a world where if you are not thin you are wrong, its a nightmare. However, I know I have to lose weight, I know that being healthy is more than just being thin. I have tried it all. Dieted, a nutritionist, looked into surgery, gone to the gym, I was in dance, I have done it all! And nothing. That really does not help your depression and anxiety. You start wondering what is wrong with you, why you cannot change. However, I know this is a challenge I must conquer. This is the thorn in my flesh just as Paul had one during the first century.
Living a life of In-between times is not something that anyone wants to live through. That is why it is important to walk in the light, because otherwise Satan and his crazy, manipulative, dark black vortex will come to you like a tornado, coming out of nowhere to take you out. God is good. He is life. God is everything we need and everything that we have. Walk in the light and allow God to guide you in moments like those in the In-between.