What is Impostor Syndrome?
Impostor Syndrome is when you doubt your abilities and accomplishments, and start thinking you are an ”impostor”. Its the feeling that you do not know how you got where you got because you are not really that good. It is when you get a promotion or you get accepted into a fancy program for school or work, and you start thinking ‘do I really deserve this? Someone else is definitely better than me? Why did they choose me?’
The Battle of a Lifetime
I have been battling with my self worth for pretty much my whole life. Every since I was younger, I always struggled with thinking I was not good enough for things. That I was, and sometimes I still think this, chosen erroneously, and I really do not deserve a spot in the team, school or job. This train of thought really took a toll in how I see myself, and how I value myself. I began to battle with depression and anxiety at around age 9-10. I began to see a psychologist, and when I had a panic attack during a hospital stay for stomach pain, given anxiety meds. In my mid, I started thinking I was put in the wrong family, wrong school, that my friends had chosen the wrong friend in me, and that giving me awards at school was an error. Through high school it got better, but I still didn’t think I was worth what I was being told. I only applied to 3 colleges, and felt like I was taken pity on and that was why I was in my dance team and musical theater production. It was a hard battle with the drama that happens in high school.
Growing up with Impostor Syndrome
It happened again when I went to college. I didn’t understand why the cool sorority picked me, I thought it was a fluke. That train of thought also made my almost relationships suffer. I didn’t think any guy would like me, and when someone was interested I would block it away. That made for some rough mental years once I got out of college. Moving to Florida, I believe made everything come out in the open. I went into a deep depression. But God saved me. He put the right people in my path (shout out to Lauren for bringing me into the Kingdom and study the Bible with me). On August 21st 2016, I got baptized into Christ and my life started to look up. I began to believe in myself.
A light from God himself
Believing in myself is a hard thing. I am not used to it. So for the past almost 3 years, I have had ups and downs in my mental health, but I always know one thing: God chose me to be his daughter. If no one else, Jesus died for me. For little old crazy child me. My one true redeemer. Dealing with feeling like an impostor has been though as a disciple because at the end of the day I am not an impostor. God allowed for everything I have gone through for a reason, and he has allowed for me to do everything I have done for a reason. So, I am not an impostor because God gave me a reward for my work.
So, What Now?
Now, I still struggle with impostor syndrome. It was at its highest in 2017 when writing my MA dissertation. I, first, could not believe I was smart enough to get into a school for an MA, even more getting into 7 schools and 8 programs. Once I got over that, it was every time I got a good mark and I felt like I didn’t deserve it. That I could have done better. And then, it was when I got my marks for my dissertation I could not believe I got the marks I got. Getting a 67 in the UK is pretty good, and I felt like I didn’t deserve it. However, I had worked very hard for it, I just didn’t think I worked hard enough for it. And my last match with impostor syndrome came as I applied for a PhD program. A program I knew I was qualified to do, however I still felt like I was never going to get in, that I was not good enough and that someone smarter deserved to get the spot. Well, I got into the program. And I will be starting my PhD in September of this year, only a few months away! While I am excited, I still get these thoughts that I will fail and never get a PhD. But I know that I will as long as I stay connected with God and I do my best work possible.
How do I get rid of Impostor Syndrome?
It is actually very simple. With God anything is possible. God will teach you lessons that you never knew you needed. As you grow in your spiritual walk with God, you will learn to get rid of those thoughts, and remember that you were worth Jesus dying on the cross. If you want to learn more about how Jesus saved me (literally), email me or PM me in my social media accounts and we can start studying the Bible starting with how to seek God.
All the Love